Am I just being selfish?

I am a sad duck tonight. I don’t even get why. It’s just one of those nights again where I just feel sad and I just wanna hide in a hole forever. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t get what I want. Maybe my expectations were too high.

Well for one thing, I hate the fact that I missed Katy Perry’s 2nd concert in this country. I actually cried that night. She’s an amazing person. My second idol, actually. (Hayley’s always first. Hands down. Unless God’s in the picture. Hayley’s second then.) Katy Perry is a beautiful, talented person. This time, she really was the one that got away that night. Oh well.

Another thing is school again. Fucking report cards on Friday, and I’m expecting the worst. What the hell did I do during that trim? Fuck that. Why am I even worrying about this? I’m not the type of person who ever would.

Finally, the thing that’s hitting me the hardest is my own self-belief. As a person, I’m already insecure. I know I can’t do shit to save my own ass, so why should people try believing in me? For one thing, it actually helps for awhile. One of the worst feelings ever (in my opinion) is when you KNOW that the people around you have lost all their faith in you, or never believed in you from the start. “You can’t do it. You can never do it. Are you crazy or something?” “She’s gonna screw it up. Everything. She’s gonna ruin it all.” “Why her, why now?” That shit hurts when you think people are saying that behind your back, or even right up to your face. Even by just thinking about them thinking that. It hurts. Especially if that’s family. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones bringing you up? Making sure that you never give up on your dreams? People who are there to love you no matter what? People who are willing to stand by your side, even if they know you’re wrong? And, yeah…

I never had any faith in myself, though I like imagining myself doing awesome things naturally. Like me having an actual talent. Do I even have one? No idea. This is why I like having friends. Especially MY friends. They’re the best. Sometimes I feel like they believe in me enough, that I can do almost anything I want to. It feels like they’re my real family.

Someday, I will prove to these people that I can be worth something. Though the hardest person I’m going to have to prove that to, would have to be myself.

1. hayloremy liked this
2. musthavecookies posted this